Wednesday, February 8, 2017

8 Journals...13 Years

All of these years I've carried a journal around with me. In each of those journals lies a piece of who I am and who I used to be. I remember buying my first journal at Claire's with my sister. It's the orange Cancer sign. haha I had that journal the longest. It took me a while to fill it up. In the last few pages you'll read that I got my first boyfriend. My next few journals consisted of the same boyfriend and the same group of friends. Then, along came Evan.

If I wanted to take a trip down memory lane. All I would have to do is open up one of these bad guys to relive those moments. Even if I didn't write much, just a sentence from that day could easily refresh my memory. I mainly used my journals as an outlet for when I was frustrated, upset, angry, sad, or heart broken. I lost some very close and dear people through those years who I learned a lot from...but also, left us much too soon. But, I also wrote about some of my very best moments that I never want to forget. A few messages from friends, some loved poems, a few photos to go along with a story, letters, prayers, and notes. It's all there. My life story.

If you didn't know me and read my journals, I think you'd describe me as a lost person who doesn't know what she wants and doesn't know what she's doing. Someone who wasn't sure of what she was going to do with the rest of her life or who she wanted to spend it with. A girl who didn't care to be popular but secretly wished she was. A girl who was very blessed but didn't know it. A girl who had a dream but was too afraid to pursue it. A girl that just wanted to be done with high school so that she could find herself. But we all know what happened after that! haha Some days I feel like I'm still trying to find myself. Then I look at my kids and I know who I am.

A while back I thought about burning my journals because I'm not so sure if I would want anyone reading them if something ever happened to me. I wrote some pretty dark stuff in there. I was also very immature back in the day and did some pretty selfish things that I'm not proud of, but it's all there on paper for someone to read. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I didn't burn them, not because I want someone to read it, but because to me that's my art. That's my life's work in there. If you compare my first journal to my last, it's not the same person writing. You can see how much I've grown and learned along the way. Life is a journey and you can hate it, have regrets, and wish it never happened...or you can learn from it and embrace it all, because that's what makes you who you are today.

You ever hear a song and it instantly put you in a great mood? Looking at my collection of filled written journals gives me that same feeling. So here's to making great memories, listening to your favorite record, spending time with loved ones, and living life in the present.

Thanks for reading.